Armen Chakmakian Blog

Find the President in the Pizza

2008-06-04T02:31:00.000-07:00

Pizza! Yum! I just came home from having some killer pizza from one of my favorite local pizza joints and popped open my browser to go online read the headlines...yeah, forget the stories, I find the headlines more interesting, don't you?

Why just the headlines tonight? Because this is the night that Barack Obama is supposed to clinch the spot as the democratic candidate to run for President of the good ol' U.S. of A. and I was wondering what the headlines were going to read. Were they going to be clever? cute? funny? serious? ...Any intelligent puns? How many of them were going to mention "first black candidate? NO SHIT? REALLY? THANKS FOR DRILLING IT INTO MY HEAD FOR THE GA-ZILLIONTH TIME THIS WEEK!

Frankly, I'm already bored with it all because we've all pretty much made up our minds who we're going to vote for months ago, haven't we? And those of us who haven't are either lying or the type that read a menu for 10 minutes before placing an order, and as soon as the server arrives, change their mind and get something else. (Yeah, yeah, ok, I've done that too. Hey, ever been to The Cheesecake Factory and seen the menu?) It's analysis paralysis. at its best

See, I stopped watching the news on television around 1999 because I found it not only reporting pretty much bad news, but also lacking of substance and real "news." Pretty empty stuff. I read it online now. Need proof? How many times did you see the Rwanda genocide reported? What's a Rwanda? Ugh...

Anyway, here's what I found if you're curious:

Yahoo: Election pits McCain vs. Obama
(Oooh! "Pits" huh? Them's fightin' words! I'm on the edge of my seat!)

Google: Clinton Discusses What She Wants, but Not What She Will Do
(It's all about Hillary, is it?)

LA Times: Obama battle-scarred, but victorious
(Wow, Drama! Such carnage! Nice touch with that reference.)

NY Times: OBAMA CLAIMS NOMINATION | Marks End of Epic Battle With Clinton
(Nice and to-the-point)

Salon.com: Barack Obama's epic win
(Short and sweet)

WA Post: Obama Wins Historic Presidential Nomination
(Old-school classic headline.)

Fox News: Historic Season Finale | Obama clinches Dem nomination
(Cute. Just like the last episode of Sex and the City. I'm tearing up.)

Reuters: Obama makes history with nomination
(I thought Reuters would be on a first-name basis with him by now)

MSNBC: Claiming nomination, Obama takes aim at McCain
(Different! Looking ahead. Did Don King come up with this one?)

CNN: Obama claims win, gets no concession
(She's a tough chick, isn't she?)

ABC: How Obama Won and Clinton Lost
(Oh good! A how-to manual! "Running for President for Dummies")

BBC: Obama claims Democratic victory
(That's Mr. Obama to you)

CCC: just kidding :-)

S.F. Chronicle: Obama Makes History
(C'mon, it's San Francisco, you knew they'd play the race card.)

KKK website: Ku Klux Klan DOES NOT Endorse Barack Obama for President
(I swear to god I copied and pasted this from kkk.com. File this headline under D for "Duh" or "Dorks". Your choice.)

I hope one day that race, gender or sexual preference is not made a big deal of in something like an election. For me, it's not and I'm guessing for a lot of people, it's the same. But you'd think it was if you follow the media who can't help but constantly shove it down our throats by greasing all the squeaky wheels out there. And self-servers like the Jessie Jacksons, Al Sharptons and Gloria Allreds certainly don't help by needing to make a place for themselves and constantly being asked on as pundits.

And I hope one day there's a water-run car in ever garage, a gay black chick in every research laboratory, a champion Asian race car driver in every country, a heterosexual white male background singer in every funk band, cops without mustaches, overweight ballerinas, and a pizza on every table! Pizza! yum!!

Dumbest Advertisement of all Time

2008-05-25T02:22:00.000-07:00

There's a commercial running on television right now that has to be the most asinine ad campaign of all time (or maybe not since I'm here mentioning it). It's a beer commercial with the tag line "Stay thirsty my friends." Stay thirsty? I can stay thirsty, no problem...by not drinking your piss-water beer.

Here are some more ad campaigns by the same advertising company:

Fidelity Investments: Live in poverty my homies.

Xanax: Stay anxious you poor bastards.

Church of Christ: Talk to the devil, he gets lonely too.

Hawaiian Vacations: Salmon fishing in Alaska doesn't sound half bad right now!

Los Angeles Dog Rescue: Adopt a cat, they're less of a pain in the ass than dogs.

N.Y. Men's Gay Rights Organization: Put that thing back in your pants and give women one more chance.

Communication Breakdown - The new math

2008-05-23T17:15:00.000-07:00

It's conversations like this that could help make me the poster boy for anti-anxiety medications one day.

Upon my visit to the hospital to see my father earlier today, the staff moved him to another room in another "building." You'll see why I put the word building in quotes after you read the exchange between the security guard and me.

Me: Can you tell me where they moved my father?

Him: Security Guard: Yes, he's in room 5562. It's in the other building, the north tower, between the west and east towers. You're in the east tower now.

Me: I didn't realize there was a third building. How do I get there?

Him: We only have two buildings sir. You're in the east tower. It's the building between the west and east.

Me: West, east and north - that would make three buildings. Anyway, how do I get there?

Him: No sir, we only have an east and west tower.

Me: Ok, east and west - that's two. You said he's in the north, the third building, can you just tell me how to find him?

Pause: The valet guy overhears this. He's squinting his eyes and scratching his head as if he hears someone saying that 1+1+1=2. Me? I'm feeling like I just asked this guy how to get to the floor 7 1/2 at LesterCorp.
(See: "Being John Malkovich")

Him: Go down the hallway, follow the signs that say "West Tower" - when you see the elevator, take it to the 2nd floor.

Me: Great, and that's the north tower? (Asking again because I need closure!)

Him: Yes.

Me: Same building as the east tower? (Am I a glutton for punishment?)

Him: No sir, it's the north tower.

Me: Same building as the west tower? (I had to ask. Wouldn't you?)

Him: Sir, it's the NORTH tower.

Me: (Deep sigh) Thanks for the directions. I just need to know (God, please kill me right now)...I know there's an east tower and a west tower. You're saying that there's another separate building that is called the north tower?

Him: Yes, the north tower between the east and west.

Me: Uh-huh. Ok. So if I fly a helicopter over this hospital, I'll find that the north tower is one of three buildings that makes up this entire hospital complex? (Why can't I just keep my mouth shut?!)

Him: Probably. Yeah, you might.

Me: I might. (Feeling defeated). Thanks. (Why do I feel so drained?)

Photos - Doheny Blues Festival 2008

2008-05-19T01:13:00.000-07:00

Yesterday was a beautiful day to be at the beach in Dana Point, California. Even better than that was to be playing at the Doheny Blues Festival with my friends. We performed with Shawn Jones Band on the main stage opening up for Joe Bonamassa, Little Feat and the headliner, Bonnie Raitt. The crowd was awesome; the band was tight, all in all a great gig and a great day!

Band members:
Shawn Jones - Guitar/Vocals
Jaymes Felix - Bass Guitar
Larry Mitchell - Drums
Armen Chakmakian - Hammond Organ

Doheny Blues Festival
May 18, 2008

Dana Point, California

93 years ago today...

2008-04-24T03:24:00.000-07:00

April 24, 1915: 300 Armenian leaders, writers, thinkers and professionals in Constantinople (present-day Istanbul) were rounded up, deported and killed by the Ottoman Empire. It gets worse: On that same day in Constantinople, 5,000 of the poorest Armenians were butchered in the streets and in their homes.

That wasn't the end of it: 1.5 million Armenians were killed in the Armenian Genocide between 1915-1923. They were methodically massacred, tortured, and sent out into the dessert to die of starvation and thirst. Women were raped and abused; children were also subject to the same vile and inhumane treatment. Nice, huh?

April 24th - a day Armenians all over the world commemorate this putrid, horrible tragedy committed against us innocent humans by our own species.

Lost in Translation...Again. Sweet!

2008-04-23T19:13:00.000-07:00

These candies are so yummy! I found them in an Armenian market and cracked up when I saw the plain version.

Yum! With Pistachio!

Mmmmm...with Walnuts!

Ohhh with Plain!! I love it with plain!!

Lost In Translation...kind of

2008-04-15T11:06:00.000-07:00

Our family recently had a scare when when my father had to be taken to the emergency room. He's been there before and hates it, like anyone else would. This night in particular the E.R. was so full that there were patients in the hallways in wheelchairs and laying on tables waiting for a room to become available. Luckily, my father had a bed. He was in a room with another older man who was moaning and bellowing in Armenian, but whose speech was unintelligible and the nurses were trying to figure out what was going on with him. This guy was in some serious pain!

I overheard one nurse tell the other that they need a translator, but couldn't bring anyone in for another 20 minutes. So I walked over and offered to translate the best I could. Three problems:

He spoke a dialect of Armenian that I have a very hard time understanding.
His speech was muddled and sounded like his tongue was extremely swollen.
My skill level speaking and understanding his dialect of Armenian is that of a 2 year old, at best.

His answer to my first question was almost impossible for me understand, so I asked him to repeat his answer slowly. I got the gist of what he was saying. The slurring of his words grew worse while answering my 2nd question. When I asked him to repeat his answer twice, he got frustrated, and in typical Armenian style pointed his finger at me and said, "Shame on you for not understanding how to speak your own language. You must go to school and speak more Armenian so that ..." I put my hand on his shoulder and said,"Hyrig (term of respect for an elder meaning "father"), this is not the time or place to tell me this. I promise, I'll learn to improve my speaking Armenian. Just tell me where it's hurting so I can tell the nurses."

All of a sudden I heard what I thought was crying coming from my father in the next bed. I walked over there real fast to see if he was ok. HE WAS LAUGHING! He had hardly said a word to the paramedics, nurses and doctors and didn't have the energy to speak. He heard every word of the conversation next to him and was lying there cracking up. It was precious.

It's a Dog-Eat-Dog World

2008-04-12T05:31:00.000-07:00

I learn a lot about myself by observing my recently acquired Shih-Tzu puppy. And while taking her on her first long walk to a park yesterday she passed by and met a lot of other dogs and kids. However, her trip certainly wasn't uneventful.

She was pissed on by a slightly bigger, ugly puppy that was playful at first; barked and growled at by a smaller, scruffy Napoleon-complex-suffering Yorkshire-Chihuahua; had her paw accidentally stepped on by a 2-yr old playing with her in the park, and hit her head on a bench while jumping from being startled kids running by...poor little thing.

Reflecting on these incidents, I realized that what she went through yesterday was equivalent to my experience in the music business! Welcome to L.A. Darla!

I promise to be more protective of you. You're going to need a good manager.

Stu Nevitt - Rest In Peace

2008-03-25T10:10:00.000-07:00

We lost our friend and band mate, Shadowfax, drummer Stu Nevitt.
Rest in peace my brother.
1953-2008

Sign Stu's Guest book

From the Thirsty Mouth of Babes

2007-12-14T11:59:00.000-08:00

My five-year-old nephew was having trouble opening the extra-tight lid of a bottle of Gatorade. Handing it to me after trying to open it himself, he asked, "Uncle Armen, can you open this for me." I had a bit of trouble myself but managed opening it.

Me: "Man, they put this lid on tight, didn't they!"
My nephew: "Yeah, don't they know people want to drink this?"

Integrity and the Stolen Electric Bass Guitar

2007-10-25T02:41:00.001-07:00

All of us know someone who has had something of sentimental or financial value stolen from them, never to be seen again. So I wanted to share an email I received tonight from my friend, Brian who sent me the below message after selling his guitar and bass. Brian's a rare dude, and I'm proud to call him my friend. Here's his email to me:

The guy that bought my Gibson [guitar] bought my Alembic [bass guitar] too. I get a call today he says it’s on the Alembic’s website stolen list. I called Alembic and it was stolen sometime in 1979-80? We both talked to Alembic and I agreed to buy the bass back. The owner has been looking for it since then. He lives in Moorpark.

They called his mom, she answered and started crying and said “yes I’ll tell my son.” He called and I said come and get it he was ecstatic. I lose the money but this guy after all this time finally gets his prized bass back after almost 30 years. He still has the case and one of his old band mates kept telling him it will show up one day. I lose my money but that is not as important as this guy’s quest. Feels good, I hope it comes around to me some day. It should be on Oprah.

Weird

Corteo (Cirque du Soleil) in Los Angeles

2007-08-24T13:55:00.000-07:00

Last night my wife and I attended the Los Angeles premier party for Cirque du Soleil's Corteo. It was on the floor of the L.A. Forum - a BIG place where years ago I saw many bands perform - AC/DC, Rod Stewart, Earth, Wind & Fire, Peter Gabriel, Peter Gabriel, and Peter Gabriel (yes, I saw him there a few times) to name a few.

I saw the show the previous evening at a dress rehearsal. It felt real good to see another Cirque show since it's been about 9 months from the time I last performed with them. I had the pleasure of meeting some of the musicians, all who were fantastic performers!

click pics to enlarge

Y'all Come Here Often? - Bad Music and the Bathroom Dilemma

2007-06-20T16:28:00.001-07:00

If you read my previous post on Easy Listening Music being hard to listen to, then you're familiar with how music effects me. I took this to a new level though. A few days ago when I was at Linen's n Things shopping for a new wider-mouth garbage can to replace our current "trendy retro diner-looking cylindrical too-narrow-to-fill-up-a-full-bag-of-trash so I'm a moron for buying it" can, my bladder gave me the sign that it's time to duck into the men's room and take a leak.

As I walk into the bathroom, that meandering music that was playing in the store suddenly is louder. It's a duet - a "country" ballad (it's really just a pop tune with lap steel guitar and two singers who have a southern twang in their voices) being sung by a male and female. So I unzip as I start concentrating on how bad this song is and how cheezy the lyrics are. Damn...I really have to pee now. Ok Armen, relax dude.

But I can't help concentrating EVEN HARDER on ignoring this horrible music. My god! Someone actually advanced money to record this tune!! It won't stop playing. I have to pee so badly...is this song going to end???? I can't believe that a record company fronted over $90,000 to a radio promoter to get this thing on the air! Ohhh I can't pee now!!!! This sucks!! Those poor pierced and tattooed slacker bastards that work at Borders actually have to listen to the same tune inside their stores every day because the label is paying $5000 a month for in-store play.

Now I feel like an idiot standing here and not being able to pee! This song is so bad that I'm screwing myself out of one of the great sensations of relief that a human being can feel. Hundreds of dollars in royalties are pouring in to the songwriters and the label this very second as I stand here - pathetic, my bladder paralyzed by the inane lyrics. THIS BLOWS! Oh god...someone get me a catheter!!

I'm trapped in here with this sappy music, and I can't run out of the bathroom because I have to "go" so badly. Ugh! What a frigin' dilemma.

Finally after the song ended, I calmed myself down and "took care of business." Whew! I shouldn't let me self get all wound up like that. But man that was a horrible piss-poor excuse for a song!

However, in the end, everything came out okay.

I'm Not Making This Up

2007-06-19T21:45:00.000-07:00

Is it me, or do you find it strange that there are laws prohibiting talking on the cell phone while driving, but no laws against applying makeup in rush-hour traffic while driving with your elbows?

When Pigs Fly - Roger Waters

2007-06-18T17:26:00.000-07:00

I caught the Roger Waters concert at the Hollywood Bowl last week.
It's good to be alive!

Click on pics to enlarge

This was the best sounding and best mixed concert I'd ever been to in my life. The remodel of the Hollywood Bowl was money well spent!

Found some of the pics on these Flickr accounts

Little Known Facts

2007-05-31T16:59:00.000-07:00

A few facts I've learned during my travels to the east coast:

1) You are allowed to take matches and double-edge razor blades onto a flight, but not toothpaste???? I was allowed to bring my matches onto my flight to the east coast, but my 5.5 ounce Tom's of Maine orange-mango toothpaste confiscated from my carry-on luggage! It has to be under 3 ounces. So much for "homeland security."

2) A household with at least one family member who is an immigrant of Armenian ethnicity over the age of 67 will have one giant yogurt or Cool Whip container in the bathtub to be used to as a rinsing aid while bathing.

3) People are okay with paying 99 cents for a full length song and $2.50 for a 30-second ring tone...a tone that they usually only listen to for about 5 seconds!

4) When you enter any Wal-Mart, you are very likely to hear a mother screaming at a child. And if you're lucky, you may even see her strike the kid.

How To Apologize, You Frigin' Loser

2007-04-27T23:56:00.000-07:00

I received an email from a friend recently asking his advice on making up with his girlfriend. It was a night he couldn't remember. Being the good friend that I am, I feel it's my duty to deliver the best advice that I can muster up. I always shoot straight with my friends. Here's what I came up with:

1. Buy her flowers
Put a note in the flowers apologizing for being a loser. Make sure you don't put any Baby's Breath in with the arrangement. It will show her that you put effort into the arrangement and took the time to think about what a pathetic deadbeat you are. Also, don't buy carnations for her. Buying carnations shows her that you are a cheap bastard. DO NOT buy a gigantic arrangement either, because that's how women know you are lying.

2. Buy a box of chocolates
I shouldn't have to tell you this, but I know you well Jorge, so I'm only going to say this once: Do not remove or eat any of the chocolates before giving her the box you poor-excuse-for-a-boyfriend! And when I say "box of chocolates," I mean a nice box of something like See's Candies - not Raisinettes or Goobers. Do not stare at the box and salivate as if you want some chocolates. This is a sign that you are more interested in the chocolates than you are in making up with her. Also, don't just hand her the box of chocolates and then run into her kitchen asking, "hey, do you have any beer in here?" That will piss her off beyond belief! And alcohol is what got you into trouble in the first place you imbecile. Lastly, don't keep looking at your watch as you are confessing to her that you exhibited the behavior of barbarian. That's how women know you are lying!

3. Take her shopping.
Make sure you get her a dress and new shoes. As you pass by one of those shops that sell lotions, stop in and buy her a little something in there too. Ask her to pick something out. Chicks love all that vanilla, lime, melon, mint, facial/leg/foot lotion-scrub stuff. DO NOT pick up something and smell it and tell her that any of these scents or aromas remind you of an ex-girlfriend, you philistine! While shopping with her, repeat how much of a low-life and scoundrel you are apologizing profusely. Keep telling her that you can't believe how much of your bullshit she puts up with (because she does). Tell her that you will change, even though you know that it's an impossible task to do so. While you are telling her these lies, make sure that you don't keep looking down at the ground. That's how women know you are lying.

4. Take her out to a nice dinner wearing her new dress and shoes (SHE should be wearing the dress and shoes, not you, you freak!) While you're at dinner, tell her that you are having a hard time eating because all you can think about is what a horrible ignoramus you are. Make sure you are not continuously staring at the waitress's breasts or ass while you tell her all this. That's how women know you are lying.

5. Serenade her with a song that she likes. On second thought, scratch that because she'll know you are full of shit and lying.

6. Pay for an expensive full-body massage (for me, not for her, because I'm taking so much time to help save your oblivious, uncultured and insensible ass!). Do not tell her that you got me a massage or that I gave you this advice. She'll know that you're lying!

7. Get drunk, screw it up again, and start all over.

If all this is too hard for you to do, then dump her and get a new girlfriend. But remember, you'll have to start all over. There will be no end to your ass-kissing Jorgey because you are dim-witted, mindless and ill-bred. I only tell you this because I love you, you boorish slacker.

Hugs,
Armen

Easter Bunny?

2007-04-07T13:45:00.000-07:00

I'm starting to discover all the wildlife in the middle of the city I live in - especially this new place we moved into at the beginning of last month. As you saw in my last post, I discovered a woodpecker that's a regular over here.

And now this little visitor showed up in my backyard unannounced a few days before Easter. Isn't that weird? It's a bunny, and it's a few days before easter! I'm a bit suspicious now.

If some fat dude with a beard shows up in my backyard in the middle of December, it's going to throw a serious wrench in my entire belief system I've developed as an adult!

Little Pecker!

2007-03-26T13:08:00.000-07:00

I'm enjoying the new place we moved into now that we're back home, but this is what I wake up to every morning - a woodpecker rapidly slamming his beak into a telephone pole just outside my bedroom!

I have a love/hate relationship with this little guy. I get annoyed as hell when I'm trying to sleep and he's jackhammering away. But then again, he has go to work just like the rest of us, and he's fun to watch. The bummer for him is that he has to wear the same silly clothes every single day while I can sit in my studio and work in my underwear if I want to!

Little Pecker:

It's in the Stars...NOT!

2007-03-22T05:36:00.000-07:00

Author and astronomer Carl Sagan stated, "Extraordinary claims require extraordinary evidence." This leads me to the subject of Astrology. I have never seen any convincing evidence that Astrology is anything more than -- I'll quote my nephew when he was four years old -- "more than nothing." Anybody who tells me through a paragraph in the newspaper "it's a bad day to go out" when I have my health and the weather is beautiful is completely full of crap. "Today is the wrong day to make a decision about money" is another moronic blanket statement that you'll read. Granted, this stuff's fun to read, like your fortune inside of a stale cookie, but I just don't buy it.

Segue to the coffee house that I was at tonight with my wife and sister, and I'm leaning on the counter while listening to the barista (that's fancy language for "the dude making your drink") talking to another customer. It's been a long time since I've heard someone talk so much bullshit, but it was entertaining as hell. My ears perked up in the middle of the conversation when his 20-something, wide-eyed, Fiona-Apple-looking assistant told the customer ahead of me, "Yeah, he's REAL good at this stuff!" The coffee dude had told the customer in front of me, "Oh it figures that happened to you. You're a Capricorn, and Capricorns make hasty decisions like that."

The customer was this 5' 5" New York City tongue-in-cheek tough guy (see Bruce Willis) who just smirked and said, "I not a Capricaun. Whe'd ja get dat?"

"She told me" as coffee boy points to tough guy's overly-made up, crazy-colored-clothes-from-a-thrift-store wearing girlfriend who was chewing gum real fast and in her mafia-mistress-nasal voice looked at tough guy and said, "I thuawt you wuh ah Capricuan."

Tough guy just shook his head. Coffee boy said, "Well, I'm usually real good at this. You must be a Cancer. Cancers always have a sad look on their face like you." (Could the guy be more insulting to this customer? lol)

I started laughing because that's the stupidest thing I've heard in months. Tough guy looked at me and chuckled saying, "Wrong again. I'm a Libra."

Coffee boy: "Oh, that makes sense because Libras and Cancers are very similar."

I just had to get in on this!! Coffee boy is now an infected open wound and I'm feeling like hydrogen peroxide! I blurted, "Is this like guessing your weight at the carnival?" He wasn't amused and doing his best not to act flustered. I asked, "What about me? Guess what sign and weight I am."

This dude actually stopped what he was doing and stared right into my eyes...the kind of stare you'd see from a bad actor who's completely over-acting. He said, "Well, you're not a Leo because you're hair is thinning a bit in the back and Leo's never really lose their hair."

A guy who was mixing sugar into his coffee who was completely bald snapped his head around laughing and said, "I'm a Leo,"as he felt his own bald head with his hand. Now all of us around the counter are chuckling. I said, "Well, there goes that theory. Guess again."

Him: "You're probably a Sagittarius."
Me: "Nope. Try again."
Him: "Well, then you're either a Cancer or Taurus."
Me: "You're close." (whatever that means. I just wanted to see what he'd say.)
Him: "Ok. Then you're a, umm...hmmm...let's see...

I'm done with this dude, so I just tell him, "I'm an Aquarius."

"Oh that makes sense now because Aquarius' are similar to Sagittarius'."

I walk back to the table. An hour later they're closing up and he's holding the door for everyone. As I get up from our table, I say to my wife, "You have real good intuition. I'm going to ask you a question and I want you to answer me quickly. That guy at the door, what do you think his astrological sign is?"

"Leo?" she says, shrugging.

So I walk up to the guy and I say, "Ok, it's my turn. Are you a Leo or Sagittarius?" He says (I swear on my Grandmother's grave), "Sag." I can't help but laugh telling him that my wife said Leo and I pulled Sagittarius right out of my ass.

The poor bastard should've read his horoscope. It may've told him it's not a good night to show off his clairvoyant astrological expertise. Or maybe it would've told him tonight he’d be the life of the party!

Smart vs. Well-Educated

2007-02-07T23:01:00.000-08:00

The recent story about Astronaut Lisa Nowak's arrest has brought to my mind again the difference between people who are "well-educated" and people who are "smart." In my mind, I'll give her the benefit of the doubt and say she SNAPPED!

I'm constantly reminded about this difference because we see it everyday with well-educated politicians, company owners, bosses, co-workers, family members, friends, etc. who do some seriously stupid stuff and make crappy decisions while sitting in respected positions. We all know people that were A+ students who make choices that would earn them a D or F were there a grade for Life Choices.

What goes on in the minds of people whose actions are so opposite the intelligence they've displayed in another area of their life? How can you be so smart in a particular learning area, and just clueless in life actions? This chick was the high school valedictorian, Naval Academy graduate, a test pilot, a frigin' astronaut, and more.

So when someone goes to school and completes a huge number of courses, gets amazing grades, learns a lot of stuff, and goes on to accomplish those things that only a few people dream of accomplishing, it doesn't make them "smart," does it?

Here's an example of what I mean:

WELL EDUCATED:

High school valedictorian
Bachelor of science degree in aerospace engineering (U.S. Naval Academy)
Test pilot
FRIGIN' ASTRONAUT!! <-do you see this? She's an astronaut! You can't be stupid and be an astronaut at the same time, right?

NOT SMART:

Losing control of yourself and driving of 900 miles in your diapers -- so as not to have to stop to go to the bathroom -- to kidnap and murder a woman who is "your rival in a love triangle." (See: Throwing your life away). In your car, you are caught with a new steel mallet, knife, rubber tubing and large garbage bags.

Wow!

The Great Experiment! - Myth or Fact?

2007-01-31T23:45:00.000-08:00

I've never been one to believe something just because someone told me, I heard it somewhere, or read it in a newspaper or magazine. So when I was on my way to South America last year I was ready to conduct THE GREAT EXPERIMENT! Something I've wondered about from the first time I heard about it in my jr. high school science class...something that was "reconfirmed" to me by several friends upon my announcing my trip: The water will spiral down the sink in a different direction in the southern hemisphere than it will here at home in the northern hemisphere.

I guess I could've just looked it up years ago in a book, on the internet, but I need to find out for myself. And to be honest, I didn't think of doing so until just now - duh!

See, my curiosity about this "fact" was piqued when I was a teenager and my science teacher brought it up in the class. So of course, I go home and start watching the water go down the drain in different parts of the house. The trouble was that sometimes it spiraled down clockwise; sometimes counter clockwise. I caught myself mesmerized, to this day when water is spiraling down the drain, standing there almost frozen and feeling like I have to watch which way the water will go down the drain. Why doesn't it go down the same way every time!? Could Mr. Pack be wrong? No way - he was my advanced science teacher in 9th grade, he was cool, and he knew everything!! Am I doing something wrong? Could it depend on the time of year? Does this only work in a vacuum (I don’t' think water drain in a vacuum, would it?)

Everyone is telling me, "When you go down to South America, you're going to see that the toilets will flush in a different direction." Is "everyone" wrong?

March 28, 2006 I was leaving for Montreal, Canada (northern hemisphere). Then I'd fly to Chile (southern hemisphere), then Buenos Aires (southern). Then I'd fly back home (northern). Then back down to Brazil (southern), then back home. I may never have a chance like this to conduct my great experiment! THE TIME HAS COME!

I begin the experiment on March 26, 2006 by flushing the toilet a couple times, but I realize the water is being forced in one direction. So I fill the sinks in the house with soapy water and begin to observe. Same results I've always seen - sometimes it drains clockwise; sometimes counter. Hmmm...maybe it's my house. I go to my parents' home and have the same results.

California, March 26, 2006 (Clockwise rotation)

When in Montreal, I do the same in my room and in the bathrooms at Cirque du Soleil headquarters. Same results as I had back home. Is this an urban legend????

Upon my arrival in Santiago, one of the biggest things on my mind was not only having to learn the music for the Cirque du Soleil show, but which way the water was going to drain down the frigin' sinks here! I'm obsessed! So while I'm waiting for my luggage at the airport, I go into the bathroom where there were 3 sinks. SAME RESULTS! During my stay at the Sheraton, again - at times clockwise; at time counter.

Buenos Aires (May 2006): same results.
California (June 2006): same
Sao Paulo, Brazil (August 2006): same
Rio de Janeiro, Brazil (December 2007): same
California (January 2007): same

Ok, it's time to look this up, because it looks like I was duped a long time ago. This is what I found out:

This myth (Sorry Mr. Pack) stems from the FACT that cyclonic systems (hurricane, typhoon, etc.) rotate clockwise in the northern hemisphere and counter clockwise in the southern. It's called the Coriolis effect. But this has nothing to do with water draining in toilets, sinks, bathtubs, etc.

My god...I can rest now!!

Brazil, 12/10/06 (Counter clockwise rotation)

California, January 31, 2007 (Clockwise rotation)

Irony

2006-12-16T20:24:00.000-08:00

On the flight back from Rio de Janeiro, my wife and I were bumped up to First Class. (Bummer! I hate when that happens.) I'm sitting in my seat reflecting over the last nine months touring and performing in Saltimbanco and all the things that were experienced with this production coming to an end.

The flight attendant comes by my seat and gives me a porable DVD player with 21 movies to choose from. I notice a movie called A Prarie Home Companion, a movie I know nothing about. But I do notice that it was directed by Robert Altman, and I'm a big fan of Robert Altman's!

I pop in the disc and hit the PLAY button, and am amazed that this is a story about what goes on backstage at a radio show that is coming to an end after a long and successful run.

Goodbye Saltimbanco & Rio de Janeiro

2006-12-14T17:41:00.001-08:00

Saltimbanco had its last performance on Dec 10th, 2006, and closed its doors after a 14-year run playing to almost 10 million people in 69 different countries. It was an amazing last show! All the acrobats and performers nailed their parts, the band was tight and rockin', and it couldn't have been a better show.

It was the longest period of time I had been away from home...at times exhausting, at times exhilerating, but never a boring moment.

Asleep at my makeup table between shows,
Sat. Sept 16, Sao Paulo, Brazil

Being a part of this Cirque du Soleil production was not only extremely rewarding but also one of the highlights of my life.

One of the most difficult I've ever done was saying goodbye to the many friends I made in this show -- performers, musicians, administrators and crew... a few are moving on to other shows; some taking time off, some going back to their homes in Russia, China, Ukraine, America, Canada, etc.

Thank you Saltimbanco for the ride of my life. You are all the most talented, creative, fun, amazing and whacky group of people I have ever worked with!

Saltimbanco Head Shots - Cirque du Soleil

2006-12-05T14:52:00.000-08:00

I was able to get a copy of the head shots that appear in the Saltimbanco program. Here are two head shots that were taken of me at Cirque du Soleil headquarters back in April 2006.

Click pic to enlarge